More short stories by Averchenko can be found at: http://www.star.net/People/~elnitsky/averchenko.html.
You cannot find a more delicate and more educated person in the world than a Czech...
He is kind. He is gentle. He is considerate. Immovable. Always in good spirits. Likes us Russians greatly.
I have never seen a Czech get angry in public. But for me, nothing gives me greater pleasure than to tackle the most difficult tasks in the world. That is why I decided to put a Czech beside himself with anger...
We - three Czechs and I - were sitting in a restaurant and were drinking beer in a most friendly atmosphere.
I waited for a break in the conversation, looked up, and, with an intelligent look in my eyes, I said unexpectedly: "I don't like your government."
If I were a Czech, I would have said: "Right, and you Russians just have a great government, don't you!"
Instead of that a Czech only said: "You know, our government is still very young. When it grows up and gains more experience, it will surely be able to avoid the mistakes to which you are referring."
"And I don't like this Prague of yours either," I said and, just in case, raised a hand to protect myself from a potential blow from my companion.
"Well, I think it's a rather pretty city," responded my neighbor gently.
"And next, my friends! You should be ashamed. How can you smother a sleeping person with 150 pounds."
"Who smothered you under 150 pounds?" asked my neighbor on the left in a worried tone of voice.
"Excuse me! But what about these feather blankets under which you sleep. There's one beneath you, there's one over you; and in the morning the parlour-maid has to spend a long time looking for you and return you to life through massage and artificial respiration."
"In the winter, it is much warmer under a feather blanket," replied the Czech diffidently. "But if you're not used to it, it could be quite unpleasant..."
"And the way you serve vodka in restaurants. Have you ever seen it served before lunch? They always bring it with the sweets. What a habit!!!"
"That must be surely because our national drink is beer..."
I shouted, gesticulated, and kept coming up with more and more serious things - the Czechs remained affable and happy... I was beating my head against a stone wall of gentility until my throat went sore, and in the end, not being able to uncover any further inadequacies, I said:
"And finally, I don't in the least like your..."
I am afraid to even write down the word I then uttered, because as soon as it sounded, my companions underwent a great transformation... Their faces filled with blood, their eyes gleamed with indignation, and angry fists hammered on the table:
"You are a guest here in the Czech lands!" shouted voices. "And it is not polite to say things like that. If you don't like them, you can go back to Russia."
Good God! What was it that made my friends so angry? The only thing I said was that I didn't like such a simple thing as "knedlíky"!!!
That's the word that caused my friends the Czechs to become so very agitated.
"Excuse me gentlemen, but what is so great about them? What are knedlíky? It's nothing but boiled bread, heavy as lead, which lies in your stomach like a stone. If I ate knedlíky every day, they would form a stone house in my stomach!"
"You don't have a stone in your stomach," cried my neighbor at the table. "You have a stone in your heart! Have you ever even tasted real knedlíky?"
Another Czech, the most delicate of all, said: "I completely forgot, that I need to go home..."
"Excuse me," I worried, "I thought that you had said that you had the whole evening free..."
"Yes, but I didn't realize that it would end so sadly."
"I will go as well," rose another one.
"And I!"
I remained in gloomy solitude.
"What can you do? " Lunch time came.
The first course was soup with knedlíky, followed by pork chops with knedlíky; for dessert knedlík with apples inside. Looking at these innocent pieces of food I was wondering:
"Is it possible that such trifle can bring about an international scandal and the severing of diplomatic relations?"